Duchess of Wails/Transcript
Act 1 'Scene 1: Duchess' Bedroom' episode cuts to the outside of Foster's and an alarm clock is heard ringing inside. DUCHESS: Frankie. Frankie! FRANKIE! FRANKIE: in the bedroom and rubs up to Duchess' bed WHAT? DUCHESS: My alarm clock. alarm clock is still ringing FRANKIE: You know, Duchess, you could turn it off yourself. You're right there. DUCHESS: And touch plastic? Please, I'm royalty. gets annoyed, turns off Duchess' alarm clock and tries to walk off Are you forgetting something? My eyes. Not gonna open themselves. FRANKIE: They will if you just... DUCHESS: OPEN THEM!!!!! opens Duchess' eyes Ah! at Frankie's face Why are you making that hideous face? FRANKIE: What face? DUCHESS: Oh, I forgot. You always look like that. FRANKIE: Duchess, we go through the same routine every day. We wear your hand and foot and all you do is insult us. Duchess: Why? I am deeply stern that you even do such a thing. That is simply not true. Are you going to carry Senior Smells-a-lot to carry me to the bathroom or do I have to do it on my own? FRANKIE: (sadly sighs) Eduardo? 'Scene 2: Bathroom' DUCHESS: (spits when she's angry) You call this pre-gargled? It's very foamy. (to Eduardo) To clarify, I was spitting when I'm angry instead of spitting out the mouthwash probably. 'Scene 3' DUCHESS: Dress me. MADAME FOSTER: Well, I'm not done sowing your new outfit, Dearie. If you need a new one everyday then I could. DUCHESS: (interrupts Madame Foster's sentence) DRESS ME!!!!! (Madame Foster does it right away) Good gracious. Is this fully pastel? MADAME FOSTER: Actually, it's 100% Egyptian cotton. DUCHESS: Silk, silk, I rather good naked! MADAME FOSTER: No, no, no, please, not again! Anything but that! 'Scene 4' DUCHESS: This flakes are not frosted eventually. (Coco squawks) If I wanted Coco Flakes, I would have told you I wanted Coco Flakes. 'Scene 5' MAC: Why is everyone put up with Duchess? UGLY DAD: Now if we adopt you, will you promise to be good? DUCHESS: Now if I let you adopt me, will you promise to be less ugly? ugly family's jaws gape open in shock. Act 2 'Scene 10: Mac's Apartment / Mac’s Bedroom' was a banging inside the apartment in the middle of the night with Duchess living next door. In Mac’s room, Mac is on his desk wearing headphones and doing some homework, while trying not to hear Duchess. DUCHESS: I can’t go to sleep on this pillow. It’s stuffed with lowly duck feathers. I demand my feather pillows be plucked from the finest geese in France! MRS. APPLEBEE: Oh ho ho, Duchess, you’re a silly. Ha ha ha! gets frustrated with the neighbors next door, so he rustles the volume on his headphones to hear music and he closes his eyes. DUCHESS: What-- what is that incessant music? How am I expected to sleep when I can hear very, faint music?! gets more frustrated and starts banging his head on the desk And now, there’s an incessant banging, and it’s out of rhythm with the incessant music. it’s 2:45 A.M. and Duchess keeps yelling in the middle of the night. As Mac can’t get any more sleep due to Duchess’ screaming, he has an angry face and bloodshot eyes. And where is my humidifier? And my dehumidifier?! If you don’t have control over air precipitation, my skin will be all wrinkly when I wake up!!! puts the pillow on his face and the banging from the other side of the apartment starts banging when Mac’s picture of Bloo falls on the floor I... WANT... TO... GO... HOME!!!!! 'Scene 11: The Applebee’s Apartment' after the crashing noise was over, the night turns into day. Duchesses wakes up with her eyes closed again. DUCHESS: Someone carry me to the bathtub. MR. APPLEBEE: the bedroom door Oh, Duchess, you’re a riot. We don’t have a bathtub; we have a shower. looks surprised to hear that. 'Scene 12: Mac's Apartment / Kitchen' now in the kitchen at Mac’s apartment, Terrence, Mac, and their mom get very annoyed by Duchess screaming in the shower next door. Terrence is putting his hand on his cheek, his and Mac’s mother is looking in the refrigerator, and Mac walks in the kitchen. They look around in a short silence. Some pop tarts come out of the toaster, Mac walks to his mother with a cereal box, and their mom is holding a coffee mug with coffee. MAC'S MOTHER: relieved Ah, thank goodness. more screaming from Duchess in the next door, the family flinches as Mac’s mother slams her coffee mug on the counter really angry All right! I’ve had enough of these obnoxious neighbors. If this doesn’t stop, we are MOVING!!! to her bedroom in a huff and slams the door MAC: shocked Moving? She means, like, down the street or something, right? looks at Terrence and chuckles in a nervous way TERRENCE: at him menacingly, smiles evilly and talks sympathetically Oh, no. Mom and I were talking about it while you were sleeping in. She said we’re moving to... for a second and smiles Zingapore. MAC: You mean Singapore? TERRENCE: Yeah, that’s right. All the way in Wisconsin. MAC: down and realizes Wait! Singapore’s in Malaysia. TERRENCE: realizes Oh, that’s even better. All the way in Malaysia. out the pop tarts and eats them both MAC: But we can’t. If we move to Singapore, I can’t go to Foster’s anymore, and then Bloo will get adopted, and then I’ll never see him again. TERRENCE: again Oohoo, that’s even more better. Better say goodbye to your dorky little buddy, runt! We’re moving to Wisconsin. MAC: him Malaysia. TERRENCE: it right Malaysia. back on his seat and Mac finally sees what’s happening and he is doomed. Act 3 TERRENCE: What are you doofuses doing? MAC: We can't talk. Don't being moving away so we're bringing Duchess back to Foster's. TERRENCE: Not if I get there first. FRANKIE: What are you doing here? TERRENCE: I know you think I'm a jerk, I know you hate me and normally you never listen to a word I say. But heat my words, this is really, really important! Trust me... (Interior. Office. Day.) TERRENCE: It's an attack spent out for a soul propose to get Duchess back into Foster's. MR. HERRIMAN: How many? TERRENCE: The two of them and her. MR. HERRIMAN: How long? TERRENCE: They be here by nightfall. FRANKIE: You mean 45 minutes? TERRENCE: Yeah... MR. HERRIMAN: If they get Duchess through THAT door... (faces to the door) ...we're doomed. MADAME FOSTER: (yanks Mr. Herriman's ears) What are you frightened about? What have they got: A boy, a blueberry and a bed sheet. And us? We got a house jammed packed with imaginary juice! There's no way they are getting through that front door. MR. HERRIMAN: But how, Madam? How? MADAME FOSTER: Do not get your cotton tail in a bunch. I lifted this house long enough to know how to protect it. (gets to the refrigerator) DUCHESS: What on earth are we doing here? I HATE this dump. MAC: Well, you can't stay in the disgusting apartment. DUCHESS: I do not want to stay in the apartment, but I also do not want to go back to Foster's. Take me to France. BLOO: Man, she's even the pain to save. MADAME FOSTER: Yes, my imaginary friends, these three will be ***(bleep)*** by Foster's like bagels of love. I say we shall out less they all. We shall make this night ***(bleep)*** ***(bleep)*** ***(bleep)*** ***(bleep)***. All right, my imaginary friends, TO WAR!!! ALL IMAGINARY FRIENDS: (following Madame Foster) TO WAR!!! MAC: How did they not they were coming? BLOO: (making an reference to the Eye of Sauron in The Lord of the Rings) The mighty eye of Foster's sees all. MADAME FOSTER: Give 'em no mercy. Because if Duchess returns, you ain't getting any from her. DUCHESS: Mud! You've dropped my in mud! You two will pay for this! MADAME FOSTER: Nobody will preach Foster's wall. MR. HERRIMAN: Madame! The doors are about to be preached! MADAME FOSTER: Wilt! Stop them! MAC: Goodbye, Bloo. BLOO: Bye, pal. MAC: If it's not too much trouble, Frankie, can you forward my postcards to Bloo's new home after he gets adopted? FRANKIE: What? Where are you going? MAC: Singapore. ALL: Singapore? MAC: Yeah. And my mom cannot stand Duchess living next door to us anymore so we're moving to Singapore. Didn't Terrence tell you? TERRENCE: As they say in Winconsin... Sayonara. WILT: We are sorry. We did not know FRANKIE: We cannot let you move away. EDUARDO: We no allow it. MADAME FOSTER: And if that means taking Duchess back, then OK. We will... MAC AND BLOO: Really? MR. HERRIMAN: ...under one condition. MAC AND BLOO: Fine, anything. DUCHESS: Alarm clock. Eyelids. Carry me to the... MAC: We're on it! We're on it! and Bloo are straining, while carrying Duchess MAC: Singapore's not that far away. BLOO: Yeah, and I hear that they got great cheese in Wisconsin. sighs, and Duchess whacks Bloo with a brush Post-Credits Scene Applebees are playing cards on the dinner table. APPLEBEE DAUGHTER: Dad, do you have any eights? Mom, do you have any fours? MR. APPLEBEE: D'oh! his card down on the table APPLEBEE DAUGHTER: Mom, do you have any fours? MRS. APPLEBEE: Go Fish! APPLEBEE DAUGHTER: Shoot! Silence MRS. APPLEBEE: to somebody else Do you have any twos? beat Duchess? turns out to be a broomstick for a head, a sock for a nose, and a robe that the family made that to look like Duchess. It falls down on the floor. MR. APPLEBEE: off-screen Oh, Duchess, you're so funny. Category:Episode transcripts